Difficult Decision

My husband really doesn’t like my top choice in houses.  He says the house is too big. (It’s in the top left corner of the photo collage in the “Choices, choices” post.)

So, out of respect for him, I called our agent and canceled our appointment to look at the house tomorrow. It fell very hard to me.  Why?  I’m not even sure, but I suspect that it’s two main reasons:

1. It feels like 90% of the time my husband’s preference is the deciding factor. We’re moving because he’d rather work in that city, etc. etc.

2. The house is the ideal house for a house wife. Really. Right down to the large laundry room and the separate art room.

Here are my rebuttals –to myself:

1. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  I’d want him to respect my wishes, so I should take big steps to respect his.  And, as in any successful organization, someone needs to be boss. In this case, it’s my husband. It keeps things in order.

2. No house is “ideal” — I will be able to run a happy family life in any other place.  I’ve lived in tiny attic apartments where couches couldn’t fit and where all our hot water was in a small heater under the sink.  I don’t need a gorgeous, huge house.  (It’s just hard when you could, and choose not to.)

Tomorrow we’ll look at 4 houses, and then make our final decision and offer.  It will be a fun, happy day, even without getting to see my “favorite” house one last time.

Quote of the Day — Emerson

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rewards

Here’s a great piece, taken right out of Dr.Laura’s blog:

The Health section of The New York Times on March 2 debated the usefulness of bribing school children with money, toys, candy and electronic gizmos to have them attain better grades. When I was in school, it was cute stickers and the pride of getting a good grade that you could brag about that made your parents all sorts of happy. The good grade was the proximate award for all the hard work. Getting the reputation as being smart was a good thing, and becoming valedictorian was great, as was qualifying for scholarships of all sizes for college. Spending a lifetime knowing you worked hard and earned what you had the hard way was the long-term reward.

Now, some geniuses want to rob children of all of that. These greater minds than ours want children to fight for things of substance (money) rather than for things of glory (purpose). Not all endeavors have a high rate of financial return: a hospice worker helps the dying and their families face their fears of death; a fireman runs into burning buildings to save complete strangers from a horrible death; kindergarten teachers introduce our children to the world of budding independence, self-confidence, social maneuvering and the alphabet…and that’s only a few examples.

Frankly, we need more kind and compassionate people than we do more “A” students in this world, as it turns out that the greatest thieves (many CEOs, crooked politicians and Ponzi scheme giants), terrorist masterminds, and general sociopaths all have very high IQ levels and got great grades. How about us giving financial rewards, candy and electronic gizmos to kids who go out of their way not to bully, tease, steal, lie, sexually harass, or sexually act-out? Or to those who won’t drink or take drugs or steal or backtalk their elders? Would that work, I wonder?

Choices, choices…

I have spent many hours examining real estate listings online.  It is addicting to search by various criteria in different areas — even in places I’m never going to move to.  For example,  I’ve gone so far as to marvel at old, neglected places in Detroit that are selling for ridiculously low prices ($450, anyone?).   I wish we were moving to a rural place where grand old Victorians with huge plots of land are on sale for easy money.  Instead, we are moving to a city, where for a decent price you either end up with a large fixer-upper, or a small house in good shape.  We still haven’t made a decision, but we have made decisions on some criteria:

1. Large or small house? My answer: if you live in a super cold climate and will be spending a lot of time indoors, it’s nice to have enough space to live and work without getting cabin fever.  That said, you can make a limited number of square feet go a long way.  One good book (and its eponymous website) is The Not So Big House.

2. Old or new? My answer: Nothing beats the dimensions, character and history of old places.  Somehow, those factors make up for the serious problems that can exist in old beauties.  Always decide before you buy exactly which remodeling projects would have to get done in order to make a place suit you.

3. Heating costs? My answer: This one is difficult, at least for us.  We like large, OLD houses, so heating costs end up being higher in the ones we like.  Always ask the current owners for their heating bills before buying a house.

4. Big yard, small yard, no yard? My answer: If you’ve got kids, you need a yard –or at least a clean spot of grass where they can play in fresh air.  If you don’t have kids, use whatever outdoor space you have to grow some plants. Growing plants is guaranteed to add some happiness to your life.  Go to seedsavers.org to get started.

5. Downtown, out of town? My answer: If you can find a house with a yard in downtown, you’ve got a great set-up. Right now we live one block off of the main shopping area, so we can walk everywhere: to do groceries, to rent a movie, drop off mail at the UPS store, do window shopping.  On the other hand, my true dream is to live out in a spectacular countryside, with a tremendous garden and a nearby river to go fishing.  But, while at least one of us is geographically tied down to a big town/city, I’d like to live close to work.

6. Neighbors…: Before you buy a house, check out the neighbors.  We could tell, based on how well-kept our neighbors’ places were, that they would never be a nuisance. Indeed, they have become precious gems in our lives. Our kids love visiting them.  At our previous place, on the other hand, our neighbors had filthy backyards. One of them was the town drug dealer, we soon found out.

We hope to make a decision this coming Friday on which old house — of our “Top 5” — will be our next home.  Here are the 5, from the outside, in a variety of price ranges. All are old, and all have at least a front yard.

A Kitchenaid Standing Mixer I do not have

Most of my friends do.  I certainly love the idea of having one, and I love all the available colors!  But the Kitchenaid Mixer has been somewhat of a symbol for me — a symbol of margin.  I don’t need every good thing.

There is no “real” reason why I should not have one in my kitchen. I cook and bake a lot, and it certainly would be useful. I probably would bake a lot more bread if I had that dough hook to knead the dough.  But I don’t truly need this $300 appliance; and, as Benjamin Franklin said, “A penny saved is a penny earned.”  Ironically, the pennies saved by not buying a Kitchenaid Mixer have been spent (over and over again!) on other things.

But by the way, if I ever caved in and bought one, I’d like a lavender colored mixer.

Fear Not

Prospective buyers recently came through our house.  The loved it; they wanted it to be “the one”, but they had one major problem:  their 6 (SIX) year old was frightened by the steep stairs up to the third floor attic (which has been remodeled and is our prime play room now).   Their agent, incidentally, works in the same office as our agent, and he reported, “They really liked the house, but they are very protective parents, so those stairs were the deal breaker.”

The stairs are up to code, with a plush carpet on them.  The area is well lit, and has a sturdy hand rail. Our 3 year old scampers up and down them without a problem. Our 11 month old is trying to do the same.  These are not stairs of horror.

I don’t know these  buyers’ whole story (maybe there is real trauma involved here), but from the outside it seems like another mad joke of modern parenting.  Parents seem to over protect their children in some areas, and yet throw them to the wolves in others.

In terms of those stairs –I say– tell the kid, “Yes, it’s very scary, but you know, you’ll soon get used to it, and you won’t be scared any more.”  Acknowledge the fear, but encourage them that such fear can be overcome –and that as a parent, you will be there for them.

It’s a good reminder to analyze decisions I have to make: am I making them out of fear?  If I am, why? And, what will I use to overcome those fears?

Old Remedies

The placebo effect works. No doubt about it.  There are always questions of degree, but our bodies do function better when our minds believe that a remedy will work.  …Which is why I made an onion poultice and a flax/lavender “bed buddy” for my son, instead of taking him to the doctor.  (He has his first middle-ear infection. The scope shows a bulging ear drum, and his fever and lethargy tell us that he is indeed in great pain.)

The comfort of the warm bundle, the calming scent of sweated onions, the gentle command of Mother saying, “Lie down. This will help,” –these are not biologically linked to the infection in the ear, but they do help the invalid to relax and wait for his body to overcome.  It always worked for my siblings and me when we had ear infections.

Friends suggested we take our son to the doctor for antibiotics, but antibiotics are overused, and studies have shown that antibiotics are hardly more effective than placebo drugs against otitis media. So I’ll use other remedies:  lots of attention, kind words, rest, vitamin C -loaded fruits, and hot packs for his ears.  After I ran out of onions in the night, I made a “bed buddy.”  I pulled out my sewing machine and a piece of flannel, and sewed a little pouch.  I filled it with flax seed and lavender (which I had in my pantry), sewed it shut, and microwaved it.  It’s far less messy than the onion poultice, and its scent is better.  Best of all, “it’s helping,” says my son.

Investment in China

No, not the country.  I mean investment in fine china — Haviland, Limoges, Royal Copenhagen, and the like.  I search out individual pieces at second hand and antique stores, and only if I’m really convinced that a piece is beautiful do I buy it.  Every piece needs to produce a precious memory and needs to be practical for daily use.  Recent acquisitions have been successes.  I bought tea cups, tea pots and dessert plates at a Salvation Army in Samedan, Switzerland.  We serve water at lunch from the tall tea pot, two of four tea cups went to two dear friends, and the dessert plates work well for breakfast.  Today I went to an antique shop in Saint Paul, MN, looking for a couple of serving bowls (I only had 2). I came out with an entire Haviland set (10 6-piece settings plus serving ware) at a fraction of the price of one regular serving bowl.  Now I’ll have enough dishes for when we have 10 friends with us for dinner on Sunday.

One definite splurge was 4 new dessert plates bought at Homeclick.com.   It was my first time buying china “new” — everything else is second-hand in my dish cupboard.  I debated whether I should break my habit of only buying old, but these were so cheerful, I was overcome.  Now these will be special in their own way, and will be the plates I use to serve treats to dear friends who stop by for tea.

Paul Newman

Newman once said, “Joanne really gave up her career for me, to stick by me, to make the marriage work.”  Of course, she was married to one of the most handsome men (ever), but it must have been just as hard for her as for any woman to put aside her immediate wishes for the sake of a marriage. In return for her sacrifice, she worked and stood alongside her talented husband, creating something of a legendary union amidst the fragile Hollywood marriages.

In any social group, it takes sacrifice to keep relationships healthy.  Even among professional co-workers trying to reach a common goal, team work can break down and tempers can flair, especially if the workers never get a break from each other.  Or take college roommates: even the happily matched end up being annoyed with each other over issues of bathroom time, sleep schedules, messes, etc.  To resolve the issues, someone or something has got to give.  At any given time, one person has to invest more than another.

So, be honest with yourself, admit that things aren’t always easy with your co-worker, roommate or spouse, and then give a little.  Chances are, in no time at all, the other person will reciprocate.  Don’t wait for the other person to give up their piece — even when it seems “fair” and “right” that they should.  Imagine if Joanne had waited for –or forced– Paul to give up his career so that their marriage would hold.  Most likely, we either wouldn’t know who Paul Newman is, or Joanne would have been another ex-wife.  Her sacrifice, I think, was worth it.

Quote of the Day -Churchill

I cannot pretend to be impartial about the colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.  –Winston Churchill

(Churchill painted as a hobby, and as a therapy for his bouts of depression.  By the way: If you don’t ever paint, you’re missing out on a great way to relax and celebrate all the richness of color in our lives.)